Since we should all have a users manual.
Care
1. Under no circumstances should you attempt to speak to your Spiritdog before it has had its first smoke of the morning.
2. Despite outward appearances, Spiritdogs require constant human touch and frequent petting.
3. Do not tease your Spiritdog unless prepared to follow through.
4. Never mention a computer problem unless you actually WANT it to be fixed.
5. Do not gripe to your Spiritdog about your troubles without expecting a response or advice. This caveat aside, Spiritdogs love to listen.
6. Never assume you know how your Spiritdog is going to react to what you say. Often it will surprise you with its openness. Spiritdog Mark V models are rarely shocked, unlike those twitchy Cyberdine Systems A/2′s.
7. Spiritdogs operate best within a thermal range of 60°F to 105°F. Operating your Spiritdog outside of this range may induce unwanted grumpiness leading to excessive pouting and foot stomping.
8. While a Spiritdog has the physical structure of a canine, it in fact is allergic to carbon based dogs and views most with a suspicion bordering on derision.
9. Should you, for some unfathomable reason, feel the need to own another pet, a cat is acceptable. Warning!: Spiritdogs develop unnatural bonds with kittens.
Feeding
1. Three daily doses of espresso are required to keep your Spiritdog from flipping the f*ck out.
2. Spiritdogs are allergic to dairy, walnuts, and coconut. This is not a cause to lament or fret in front of your Spiritdog should your meal contain these ingredients. Simply warn it, and move on.
3. Offering red wine and dark chocolate is a sure way to goad your Spiritdog to perform embarrassing tricks.
4. Offering sushi to your Spiritdog will cause paroxysms and suggestive writhing, this is perfectly normal and is considered cute by some owners.
5. Never, ever, attempt to take a bowl of hummus from your Spiritdog. At the very least you will be mauled.
